I want to show everyone a sentence that seems to drag on and
gets a bit confusing. Today, my sweet curly haired son, Matthew, managed to
trap himself in our bathroom while he was brushing his tiny pearly whites, and
I frantically tried to release him from his massive prison as he sat behind the
solid wood door, sobbing uncontrollably, like a child that had just seen a
monster for the first time. I could revise this sentence and make it more clear
and concise. The revised sentence would look like this, while brushing his
teeth Matthew locked himself in the bathroom and became very frightened. The
word count went from 76 words to 14 words. Some of the words in my original sentence were not necessary when trying
to let my readers know he trapped himself in the bathroom. Even though my revised sentence
isn’t as descriptive it lets my reader know exactly what I was trying to state
before and is easier to follow.
At 42 this happened to me at my mothers house a few years ago. Being claustrophobic, I can sympathize with your son's situation. I commend you from taking your personal long sentence and to condense it down to a clear and concise sentence for others to read.
ReplyDeleteNatasha, that was a good example of a paramedic, reduced sentence. Using your personal experiences was a good choice. The first sentence had a lot of words that explained his emotion and terror but the short sentence was just as descriptive and was much easier and faster to read and comprehend. Less words, better said.
ReplyDeleteGood example! Although I enjoyed the longer version of your sentence because I could picture the scene because I too have children; I understand that we have to get to the point. Loved it!
ReplyDelete